This Woman Started Copying Her Male Coworkers' Email Style, And Now She's In Trouble For Being "Rude"
Recently, on Reddit, a young woman shared a story about facing double standards at work that stirred up a lot of conversation, and as someone who likes to sign my emails with "Thanks!!!" it gave me a lot to think about.
She started the story by setting the scene: "I'm a woman in my late 20s, working in a corporate environment. I'm pretty established in my career and company but not managerial. I usually email in a very "Hi! How are you? :))))" way that doesn't reflect my professionalism, and I feared it was affecting how others saw me."
So, next, she did something that honestly makes sense and decided to act a bit more like some of her other coworkers. She wrote, "I took a leaf out of my male colleagues' books. They email and message with no emojis, exclamation marks, or fluff. Their emails aren't rude but aren't overly nice and apologetic."
Surely that couldn't go wrong for her, right? Haha, just kidding. Of course, it backfired. She wrote, "Turns out, while everyone respects their 'direct tone' and 'professional approach,' I am 'rude and disrespectful' for emailing the exact same way."
She ended the story with, "In fact, I once even copied an entire email from a male colleague and sent it to someone (generic wording that applied in my email anyway). My manager said it was rude! I showed my manager the emails side by side, and he was embarrassed for calling me up on it. We're supposed to be a company that cares about sexism..." Big sigh.
In the comments, women commiserated and shared their own experiences with facing double standards like this at work, while others chimed in with their opinions and advice. Here's what people had to say:
1."Tell them you're just trying to bring more masculine energy to the workplace 🤣🤣."
2."I've had this happen when literally I copy/pasted my manager's old email and just changed/added the relevant information. It was so we were consistent with communications to other departments across the board. My manager didn't like it. So, I showed him the email (his) that I made into my template."
"Just keep receipts for these things and show them. Be polite about it. I like the innocent approach. I clearly lay out the evidence but in a way where I'm like, "Can you explain to me how these are different so I don't continue to do this again?" They never can and are forced to say so. Or, they make the male coworkers change, too.
It's glorious when you use it against them."
3."I worked with someone who used to identify as a woman and then came out as nonbinary, so they changed from emailing with a female name to a name which was neither obviously female nor male. They said that they found a noticeable difference in responses, such as getting far fewer 'But are you sure about that?' replies and far more 'Cool, thanks for clarifying.' Anecdotal, but interesting."
4."This is why I never take advice from men about anything. What works for them does NOT work for us. It's gross."
5."This isn’t true for Black men. Directness is received as aggressive and/or threatening. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. My Black colleagues can’t say the same shit I can. No way, Jose!"
6."As a woman, I am guilty of interpreting emails this way too, or at least I used to be. Someone once told me, 'Any time you think a female is being kind of rude over email, imagine receiving the same email from a male colleague and see if it still seems rude.' 90% of the time, it doesn’t."
7."I was once told by my VP that I was too direct and needed to be more like a 'Georgia Peach.' I was a Director."
8."I hate emojis in work emails. HATE them. The only exception is when I'm texting one of our foremen, who is very reserved and serious. He will randomly respond with the goofiest emojis, and it cracks me up because it's so unexpected. For example, I'll send him a client request, and he will send back an octopus in sunglasses."
9."So glad you called your manager out! Funnily enough, I think MEN should email more like women. There's no reason not to bring a bit of niceness into your communication. Or to answer more than one question at a time. But until then, I try to write more like men, too. Haven't been called ou,t though."
10."Write the way you normally write but leave the emojis and exclamation marks out of it. You don’t need to change your tone; you just need to take out the unprofessional bits."
11."I generally communicate with women in a more feminine, enthusiastic way, and I match energy with men. I think I can get away with this more because I am generally a very direct communicator, so I’m honestly softening a bit from my norm with women. I hate that I have to do this at all. Fuck the patriarchy."
12."I had the SAME conversation with my manager around 1998. Not enough has changed."
13."I had a female boss who used lots of exclamation points because she was so bubbly in person that people thought she was mad when she didn’t use them in writing."
14."I was in a similar scenario. I copied and pasted instructions from my boss to me and provided them to my team. I was called aggressive and rude and told I should treat my team better."
15."I will never forget this: early in my career, a man colleague my age/level forwarded me an email chain, and I was absolutely horrified at how he wrote to our superiors. I realized that the reason I didn't write that way was because I would be judged much differently for it. By women AND men. Fuck the patriarchy."
16."I have a unisex name. I had clients I corresponded with by email only for years. I was always professional and direct with no fluff. Clients always assumed I was a male. One called me once after emailing for years and was surprised I'm a woman. He treated me differently after finding out. Took longer to respond, blew me off, didn't take me seriously, etc. Fuck the patriarchy."
17."How do you know that colleague had never been told off for being rude, too? It’s not something that you’d be privy to, after all, and there’s a thin line between rudeness and directness. Also, once you’ve established a baseline, it can be kinda hard to change it. If I was used to getting cutesy emails with lots of emojis and fluffy stuff from someone, and one day suddenly they’re all matter of fact, I’d wonder whether they’re pissed at me for some reason."
18."My boss covers my email when I'm on vacation or sick. He's a dude, and he's the owner. It single-handedly convinced him a chunk of our clients are sexist. He also pissed off a client once in person, then received an email from that same client complaining that I'm not 'managing my clients effectively,' i.e., I didn't call and apologize for my boss' rudeness."
"Keep the straightforward tone; they'll eventually not fuck with you as much once they find out your line in the sand is set in place. Eventually, they grow to respect your line in the sand. It's painful early but not permanent. It's also highly entertaining if you go with a 'this is a you-problem' mindset."
19."You're rude and disrespectful for not using emojis and exclamation marks? Or for changing your wording and tone and using that of your colleagues? My guess is there's a middle ground. Drop the emojis and exclamation marks now. Gradually shift to the tone you wish over a period of weeks. Stop shifting when you get the response you want."
20."You found it! There is absolutely gender bias in the workplace. And I'll say too that males who are more effeminate in their presentation ALSO are not received well."
Now I'm curious: have you ever run into a double standard like this in the workplace? What happened and how did you handle it? Tell me all about it in the comments!
