Women Who Were Adamant About Not Having Children But Did Anyway, Open Up About What Changed For Them

As women navigate society's expectations and their own evolving identities, their decision not to have children can change.

Women can have a change of heart for many reasons, such as changes in their personal lives and relationships or even as they grow and better understand themselves.

Reddit user Existing_Entrance_36 posed the question, "Ladies who were adamant about not having children but did anyway, what changed for you?" Here are some of the responses:

1."I have no idea. I literally woke up from a nap after a night shift at 29, and my husband was 34 at work. I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my day and thought it would be really nice to have a child. The craziest thing, I didn't think it would stick, but I couldn't get it out of my mind for weeks. I ended up telling my husband I think I now wanted a child, and he got on board with it pretty quickly, considering he was also very adamant we were going to be child-free. Five years later, and I'm 39 and pregnant."

2."I never dated anyone I wanted to have children with. They (mostly) weren’t shitty people, just not mature and responsible enough to raise a child with. Then, I was told by a doctor it was extremely unlikely I’d be able to have a child without medical intervention, and I was thrilled about it. I met someone new, and we were together for several years with no scares. One day, I just felt odd, so I took a test, and the moment I saw that second line appear, I was in. I can’t imagine life without my kid now. My past life seems dull in comparison. Absolutely no regrets here. That being said, I have zero desire to have any more. I saw a quote once that went something like, 'I wouldn’t trade my kid for all the money in the world, but I also wouldn’t pay a nickel to have another one,' and that about sums it up for me. I do think I also would’ve had a great life as a childfree person, but I’m happy with how it turned out."

3."A great relationship. Financial stability. The time to pursue my own life first. I knew I would rather never have a child than struggle like others I knew. No judgment on them, but I knew I couldn’t do it that way."

—Rosemarysage5 

4."My husband and I always thought we didn’t want kids. We wanted to focus on our careers and travel. Then we realized the job we worked so hard for was just a job. And we can travel either way. Started thinking about what life would look like in 20 years and decided we wanted a family. Plus, we loved spending time with nieces and nephews. I was so nervous about how our lives would change. I had one baby (at 37 years old) and had so much fun we decided to try for a second. We’ve still continued to travel and live our lives. It’s hard, but it’s so fun. Best decision ever. Excited for #2."

5."My only sister passed away, and I thought about growing old, and I just felt lonely. My husband always wanted kids, but he never told me because he knew I didn't! She is 11 months old now, and I love her so much. I'm so happy we had her. I wish my sister could have been an auntie."

6."My husband wanted a child, and it was a dealbreaker if I didn't have one. So I compromised and gave him a child. Sometimes, in marriage, you compromise. That's it. That's why I changed my mind. No regrets. I love my son to death. Would I be just as happy with my life if I didn't have my son? yes."

7."They are a great addition to life. I have a partner who wanted to be a hands-on dad and a 50/50 partner. He takes the sick days, drops them at school, and I pick them up, etc. I’m very glad we waited until we were financially ready to. We had a big house already; we travel with them, and we have good support."

8."I got married and turned 35 and just kinda flipped a switch one day and changed my mind. This was after a decade of adamantly not wanting kids. Got pregnant a few months later. My husband was a big factor; I think the idea of him being a dad really helped me come around to the idea. And I couldn't be happier being a mom; I wish I'd done it a decade ago."

9."My birth control failed. My husband and I weighed the options (thankful to have had them) and decided to have a baby. Once we had one, we decided to give him a sibling, so now we’re a complete family of four. We have since taken permanent steps to make sure we do not have any more children. Two just feels right to us. It felt right to have no children, but it didn’t feel right for our family to have an only child."

10."I’m not sure. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly at 24, and three weeks later found out some pretty big shit my husband had lied about at the beginning of our relationship about two years prior. I was dead set on an abortion until I had the consultation and heard the heartbeat. I also saw the x-ray; he had his little arm resting over his head, and it looked like he was waving. I just couldn’t do it. Best decision I’ve ever made."

11."I got pregnant. It wasn't intentional, but I couldn't stomach the thought of termination for myself personally, so I slowly warmed up to the idea. I was pretty much done for when I had the gender reveal ultrasound. I was able to put a name and a real idea behind having a child, and I quickly fell in love with the idea of being a mom. I love my kid and being a mom. I've been torn on the idea of having another for years, though. Might just be a one-and-done."

12."My husband and I were happy, sitting on the couch and wondering if this was it. Was this the life? It felt like something was missing. Financially stable, a roof over our heads, healthy, young-ish (mid-thirties). He wanted a kid, and I was like, 'Okay, I could do that with you.' My kid is our world, but it is challenging sometimes. Motherhood changed me in some very unexpected ways."

13."For me, I had gotten a post-grad education, a good career, a well-paying job in an area I am passionate about, bought a house, traveled extensively, and had some wild experiences. I had achieved everything I wanted in life before I was 30. I didn't always get things right, but compared to almost everyone I know, I've had a more eventful life than most. I ran into my old boyfriend from university after years and we hit it off again, we had both grown and realized we still loved each other. It felt right. That being said, I'd never have another child. I really feel like I hit a total home run with the one I've got, so why tempt fate with a do-over?! Things change, and so does perspective. I will also say that after the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth, I have never been more pro-choice. The idea of being forced to become a mother without being ready, or even wanting to, is the cruelest thing we could do to both women and children."

14."I didn't want kids, so I started dating someone who had kids of his own already and would be content with not having more. I thought that it would be great for me to be kind of an adult, non-parental figure for them without any of the parental responsibilities. Then I realized how easy it was to just be there for them, how much I wanted to be there for them in a more meaningful, parental way, how much we learned from each other, and how frustrating it was to watch my ex and his ex create trauma for their kids in live time. I broke it off with him for other reasons and realized I actually wanted to become a parent (didn't have to be biologically mine, but I wanted the responsibility). Met my husband (who is a dream partner) and had my first. When I was dating my ex, I got a glimpse of what parenting could be, but I had no idea how beautiful the experience would turn out to be."

15."My birth control failed, and I just had to roll up my sleeves and get on with it. I’m still not remotely maternal, but I did the best I could for my children. The early years were unbelievably hard, but we developed a great relationship as they got older. They’re adults now, and I think they appreciate that I’m available for them and not interfering in their lives. I see a lot of women who really wanted children then struggle with adjusting to those children becoming adults and leaving home, whereas that was honestly my main goal as a parent."

16."What changed that caused me to have a kid? Someone near me had a baby, and they were so cute I started thinking, 'hm, maybe it’s not so bad.' Basically, I let my ovaries take the wheel when I was ovulating. Not the best decision. What changed after having kids? I can no longer be spontaneous, I can no longer be care-free, I don’t spend nearly enough time with my husband or my friends or my hobbies. And I put a lot of focus on healing myself and fixing my relationship because I want to give my children the best possible upbringing."

17."I was convinced I would never meet someone I wanted to have a child with. I grew up super religious, and all the men in my church were traditionalists. I looked at married women around me and was certain I never wanted that. I looked at my mum's life and thought I could never do that to myself. I never even considered that one day I might leave the church, but I did; then I met a man who was a feminist and has always shared household burdens with me equally, and all of a sudden, it seemed so possible. So now I'm eight weeks pregnant and so so excited. I love children and always have; I just never wanted them to be my whole life."

18."I was pretty sure I didn’t want kids as the youngest watching older sisters with toddlers and babies. In my late 20s, my parents were getting older and started to realize my family would eventually become distant when my parents died, as my siblings had their own families. It was more about building a family of my own rather than focusing on kids/babies. I spent time with nieces/nephews, but it’s not the same. You get a pang when you see them choose their mothers for comfort/cuddles. I had my first at 29, and during the hard years of raising three kids, the comfort of having my own family is what got me through. My parents are both dead now, and I see my siblings about two or three times a year. We are close and chat all the time, but life and family mean we rarely get to meet. I am a busy, career-focused woman, but I personally would feel such a gap without family."

19."I was 37, in a better relationship than ever, with a man who actually wanted to be a father. That definitely helped change my view on becoming a parent; I had never been with a man who wanted to be a parent. My drive to become a mother began after meeting the right partner and realizing it was 'now or never' as age was a factor too."

20."I met someone and thought, 'I could have your children'. Weird feeling. I love my child more than anything, but I regret the decision most days, I'm afraid. Obviously, I wouldn't be without them now, but I was much happier and healthier before I had them."

—ExplanationWorried14

21."Everything changed in the best way. Three months after getting divorced, I didn't expect to get pregnant. 2015 was a wild year. I had already set plans to do certain things with my life. However, it just took longer to complete my goals. I feel that having her helped me stay focused and complete my goals. In her lifetime, I have remarried, changed careers, and bought a new home. Everything has improved. I am thankful to be able to provide her with a wonderful childhood. This would not have been possible before."

22."I was with an amazing person, but the deal was that he would be the primary caregiver. We had a lovely daughter, but then my husband was killed in a tragic accident when our daughter was 15 months old. That very nearly wrecked me. Fast forward nearly eight years, and we’ve made it through so much. I love my daughter and don’t regret having her at all. We’ve found my new husband/ her stepdad, who is the only person I’d want a family with. Luckily, we just blended our respective families, as there is no way in hell I would ever do the baby stage again. Solidly one-and-done in that aspect. I don’t like most children, and for environmental and mental health reasons, we only ever wanted one after we finally decided to go for it. We also had eight years of marriage, traveling, and getting established in our careers before having a child. I think that is so important. Live your life as a couple first. Make those memories. I treasure every last one of them."

23.And finally, "Got pregnant when I was fixing to switch to a new birth control. I was looking at setting an appointment for an abortion, and then I started having the feeling that I would be regretful. After long nights of going back and forth, I decided to keep the baby. She’s four years old now and the light of my life. I never thought I would be where I am now but I can’t imagine it any other way."

What are your thoughts? Do you think you could change your mind? Let me know in the comments.

Note: Some submissions have been edited for length/clarity.