What the 4B movement and boycotting men tells American women about where we are

In 2017, the #MeToo movement gained momentum and encouraged women worldwide to speak out about their experiences living in a patriarchal society.

Today, in South Korea, the "4B movement" − based on four Korean words that start with the letter B − is led by women protesting rampant misogyny, gender-based violence and discrimination.

These women are reclaiming their autonomy by refusing heterosexual marriage (“bihon”), childbirth (“bichulsan”), dating (“biyeonae”) and sex (“bisekseu”). Though some might want marriage or children, the risks of having to conform to traditional gender roles outweigh any benefits. Abstaining is the only way women can maintain a sense of self.

Reddit forums claim that the 4B movement is an online phenomenon that has been sensationalized by Western media. Search “4B movement” on TikTok and there are hundreds of videos on the topic, usually in reaction to dating horror stories or relationship struggles, each receiving millions of views.

One male creator went viral for his stance on single women, declaring that there’s something wrong with a woman who doesn’t understand that her sole purpose on earth is to create a family. One of the top comments has 93,000 likes: “You’re just CONVINCING women to join the 4B movement at this point.”

Coopted or not, the 4B movement has drawn attention to the unmistakable: Relationship expectations between cisgender men and women are at odds.

Women’s rights are a relatively new notion

The concept of marriage was established as coverture, or a legal doctrine meant to erase a woman’s legal identity once she married. Women were to be treated as property; taking the husband’s surname signified transfer of ownership and their only qualification became the status of “wife.”

Though times have changed, and, at present, marriage is viewed more as tradition or financial practicality, women’s rights are a relatively new notion, having only come to fruition in the past century, and remnants of coverture remain.

Despite annals of oppression and erasure, women are gradually making inroads. Increased access to education and job opportunities have led to financial independence. In fact, in the United States as of 2022, women make up the majority of the college-educated workforce and outnumber men in undergraduate enrollment.

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Women are now able to make money, vote, own property, run for office and lead companies. As a result of growing civil liberties − and enabled by the freedom of choice − women are having children later. In 1970, the average woman in the United States had her first baby around 21 years old. Now, the birth rate among U.S. women in their early 30s is higher than those in their 20s.

Though there’s still a long way to go to achieve parity, women are experiencing a modicum of control over their lives for the very first time. We are living out the dreams of our female ancestors; aspirations have risen and so have our standards.

Thus, we are no longer settling for the bare minimum − especially when it comes to the men we choose to spend our lives with.

Dating culture hasn't kept up with women's success

But the more that women come into their power socially, politically and economically, the more they are experiencing difficulty in love. Unfortunately, dating culture has not kept up with the advancement of women. In fact, one recent study showed that the higher a woman’s social status, meaning the higher her investment in her education or career path, the less likely she was to have mating or "reproductive success.”

Truth is, men don’t know what to do with empowered women after being socialized into a world entrenched with patriarchal values. From a young age, girls are taught to be compassionate, caring and nurturing while boys are brought up to be strong, individualistic and assertive. Boys are often discouraged from expressing vulnerability or sadness whereas girls may be raised to share feelings more freely.

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In adulthood, this renders as a horde of disorganized attachment styles where men are emotionally unavailable, withdrawing during conflict, and women are anxiously seeking reassurance. Due to society’s reluctance to change, gender roles persist masquerading as sexist stereotypes (men are to be tough and masculine, women must be soft and feminine) and any deviation from the norm is considered wholly unattractive.

There are always exceptions to the rule, of course, but as women increasingly de-center men from their lives, having to no longer rely on a man for survival, men are threatened and mistaking women’s liberation for misandry, or hatred.

In 2023, a team of researchers coined the term “misandry myth” revealing that feminist women's attitudes toward men were no more negative than men's attitudes toward men.

Women who want more don't hate men

Personally, I’m a lover girl; I do not hate men. I do not think all men are evil or toxic.

I do want to find a partner, get married and have children. But I will not do so at the cost of my inner peace – sacrificing my values or identity to overlook bad behavior – nor will I continue to downgrade my achievements or suppress my needs in order to inflate a man’s ego.

Hermeneutic labor, or understanding one’s own feelings while discerning those of others to devise solutions for relational issues, is a burden that disproportionately falls on women within heterosexual relationships.

In other words, because of their ability to self-reflect and repair, women are required to serve “both as informal therapists for men and as informal couples’ therapists for the relationship,” according to assistant professor Ellie Anderson.

What’s intended to be harmoniously symbiotic turns parasitic, with the woman giving an immense amount of her time and energy to the man.

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At the end of the day, men want the perks of feminism – subscribing when it best serves their interests such as splitting the bill at dinner – without striving to decipher their role in perpetuating dysfunctional dynamics or deigning to advocate for women’s rights.

The 4B movement began as a protest, but it has morphed into a global awakening. Women are realizing that they can have more enriching lives single.

Instead of blaming women, we should strive to understand that this isn’t a personal attack on men. It’s a step forward in dismantling the patriarchy.

Isha Sharma is a first-generation Indian American writer based in Brooklyn, New York. A Case Western Reserve University and Georgetown University graduate, she aims to highlight and advocate for underrepresented voices in mainstream media. Follow her on Instagram: @isha__sharma

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: South Korea's 4B movement boycotting men is a familiar feminist cry