Everything Got Better When I Got Sober. Then I Was Hit With A Harsh Truth I Did Not See Coming.

<span class="copyright">mrs via Getty Images</span>
mrs via Getty Images

I was on my first date in 14 years, and I was excited, nervous and sober. In my car, waiting for my date to approach, I was feeling and looking good. I got this. He texted me he just parked, and I stepped out of my car, my stomach in knots.As he waved over at me, I was elated because he was tall and handsome. We went to the movies. We shared a large bucket of popcorn, into which he poured some butter and sprinkled chocolate Milk Duds that melted in my mouth. I had the best time. After three dates, he told me he wasn’t interested in a fourth. 

Sober is not boring, but it can be lonely. I am two-and-a-half years clean, and in 2024, I only dated one person. 

Before I got sober, I was in a 12-year relationship. The whole time I was with my ex-partner, I was drinking and using drugs. We would use together, and when things got very volatile between us, I was kicked out of our townhouse and that was the end of that partnership. The very next day, I quit cold turkey and have been in recovery since.

What did sobriety do for me? It made me the happiest, most secure person I have ever been. Before I got sober, I used alcohol as a crutch for “courage” and was heavily dependent on it. For me, it’s the best feeling ever to be sober, like you’re floating on a pink cloud of gratitude. 

I assumed that once I got sober, it would be easy to go on dates. Is it easier? No, it is not. I have had many struggles when it comes to dating. I have signed up for many apps and even paid for the weekly/monthly subscription fees to get full access to message potential matches. I have scrolled and swiped through hundreds of profiles. My first red flag is when I see a person holding a shot glass, wine glass, or beer bottle in their main profile photo. Using a picture like that on your dating profile does not mean you are an alcoholic, but it probably means you are a social drinker. My question is, Can I handle that? I have completely liberated myself from alcohol in my life, and I do not want to kiss someone on the mouth who just downed a shot of Patron. 

One fact I make very clear in my bio on these dating apps is that I would prefer to date someone who is also sober. And I don’t mean “soberish” — drinking less alcohol, or not drinking alcohol while still using other substances. I don’t judge, but I no longer engage with any substances whatsoever, and I need to keep it that way for my healing. That said, I do not have a problem with places where people are drinking. I can hang out at bars with friends, or dance at a club with a mocktail in one hand.

I even got desperate and lonely enough to join the gay hookup app Grindr. This was a year into my sobriety and I was ready to date, but was willing to resort to hooking up with someone for a one-night stand. And there was always hope — a good friend told me he met his boyfriend through Grindr! So far since joining, I have received endless photos of penises, and shared locations from men eager to meet me at their homes, or make accommodations for me inside their vehicles.  

I also attempted to match up in an LGBTQ AA meeting, but it did not pan out. The closest meeting was a long drive away from where I live, and when I got there it was predominantly made up of older queer white men. The youngest and most attractive one was a heterosexual man with a wife. Damn. Don’t get me wrong, the men were very nice and welcoming, but as a queer Hispanic I felt like I did not fit in.

The picture on the left is the author in 2016. On the right, he is a sober and happier version of himself.
The picture on the left is the author in 2016. On the right, he is a sober and happier version of himself. Photo Courtesy Of Jorge Estupinan

This is the happiest I have been in my entire life due to my sobriety. My recovery has provided me with: access to mental health services, boundaries, and being present and self-aware. But I am still single, and I am ready for a relationship, a body, another person to spend the rest of my life with. I am 41 years old, and in gay years — that is old. 

I can be a better partner now more than ever. In relationships before, I was either drunk or high, and don’t remember half of them. On my three dates with “Mr. Milk Duds,” I had a great time, I was present, and I remembered everything. I was feeling myself and it felt great. On our third date, after seeing another movie, I dropped him off at home. Before he got out of the car, I reached in and we kissed on the lips. He texted me later that night that he could not give me what I wanted. I was confused and heartbroken, but I sat with my negative emotions without craving a drink.

Negative emotions used to be something I avoided at all costs. If a situation got too stressful, I would guzzle alcohol until I blacked out, wake up hungover, and do it all over again at the sign of any small inconvenience. I am thankful for my therapist, who taught me to “sit with my negative emotions, feel them, and let them go.” 

I reached out to a friend who is also sober and asked him about his dating experiences. He had better luck than me, because he met his boyfriend within his first month of sobriety and they’ve been together ever since! I am genuinely happy for him, if a little jealous. I told him about my struggles in sober dating, and finding a potential partner. He said, “Find complete acceptance of the idea of being single forever and being 100% OK with that.” It’s a thought that has come to mind many times. What if I don’t find a partner? What if I am single forever — will I be OK with that?

I’ve decided it would not be the end of the world. 

My therapist recently asked me, “Will loneliness threaten your sobriety?” I told my therapist that my number one priority in my life right now is being sober. I cannot afford to relapse, because If I do, it is very likely that I will die. There’s no chance in hell for me to find a boyfriend if I am six feet under.  

I am still single. There have been no more dates. I have canceled all of my subscriptions and deleted some of the apps. I go to the movies by myself. I go shopping by myself. Sometimes, it is not so bad. Sure, there are times when I crave a hand to hold, a body to walk next to, a person to sit across from at the restaurant. I will not give up in my search for true love. But for now, I am in a relationship with myself, knowing my likes and dislikes, getting to know this new me, and I like it.

Need help with substance use disorder or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.

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