When Is It a Good Idea to Get Back Together with an Ex — and When Is It Not, According to Relationship Experts

Susan Winter and Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario speak with PEOPLE about when it's right to give a romantic relationship another try

Getting back together with an ex can sometimes be a good idea — and other times it can not — according to relationship experts.

Susan Winter and Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario, who both work as relationship coaches, tell PEOPLE that there are reasons why a second try at a relationship could work.

"Reconsidering the relationship is valid when positive changes have occurred for both partners.  Examples of this would be an addiction that has been addressed, poor communication patterns that have been corrected or therapy that has resulted in a healthy transformation," Winter says.

She also notes that a breakup done "in haste" should be eligible for "reconsideration," as should a split when "one or both partners have reached a clearer understanding of themselves and can now separate the need to blame their partner for what is their personal responsibility."

Del Rosario, for her part, adds: "If they both are willing to do the work and leave the past in the past, sometimes the second time around can be even better."

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According to Del Rosario, there are many reasons, however, why a reconciliation is not wise for certain couples. She explains, "Exes should never get back together if there was abuse involved, whether it be physical, emotional or financial abuse. You don’t leave danger to return back to it."

"Exes that also parted ways because a nonnegotiable was unmet or breached, should not rekindle the relationship," she continues. "There is no workaround or compromise on the nonnegotiable, and they will not experience relational bliss and part ways again."

Winter expresses similar sentiments, explaining, "Financial, sexual, emotional infidelity cannot create a basis for a healthy relationship to survive. If your partner has repeatedly let you down, promised to do better, and you end up in the same place, you know it's time to leave."

"It's a bad idea to get back together when you're caught in a negative loop. When the patterns within a relationship remain the same and you're on automatic pilot, repeating the same damage over and over again, it's time to end the relationship for good," Winter adds.

Winter and Del Rosario also both caution that former lovers shouldn't get back together for reasons such as shared children.

"If the relationship was toxic, staying apart is best for the kids than getting back together. Kids learn just as much if not more from what we do and show them in comparison to what we tell them," says Del Rosario. "If their parents are displaying unhealthy behaviors in the relationship, continuing to display those behaviors will teach them that the dysfunction they grew up [around] is normal, when it is not."

As for getting back together for financial reasons, both experts warn against that as well, with Winter stating, "Getting back together for 'financial reasons' isn't genuine. It's strategic," as Del Rosario notes, "Finances are a major cause of conflict and choosing to get back together for this already crucial area of a relationship will cause massive strain and upheaval."

"A better course is to partner with a friend to share expenses to ease your financial burden," Del Rosario adds.

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Del Rosario and Winter both stress that couples actively working on bettering themselves will then improve their relationship to see if there is a potential path forward.

"Couples need to attend to the issues that separated them in the first place," Winter says. "If these issues are not addressed, corrected and transformed, then there's no hope of surviving a second time around."

"Learning to effectively handle disagreements and enter negotiation, listening, and supporting each other is essential for a relationship's survival," she adds.

Del Rosario, meanwhile, believes therapy can play a huge role in helping lovers decide their path forward. "They need to really drill down on the issue, or issues, that broke them up initially and seek the guidance of a relationship therapist or coach. The therapist can help the couple create a work plan to drill down to the root of the conflict so that they treat the disease and not the symptoms," she says.

"However, both partners have to forgive one another and leave the past in the past. You can drag the old with you while moving toward the new," Del Rosario notes.

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