Got A Relationship Problem? Don’t ‘Fext’ About It.
It starts with a suspiciously placed period. Then, comes the passive aggressive response. Next, the overly defensive reply. Before you know it, your fingers are facing off in an ALL-CAPS text fight. Try as you might to type your way back from the brink, you can't. Too much has been said that can't be taken back. Suddenly, you’re staring at your phone, wondering, “How did we get here?”
You probably didn’t pick up the phone and think to yourself, “Who can I get in a text fight with today?” Fighting over text, or fexting, happens because texting happens (like, ya know, all the time). People usually get into text arguments inadvertently as part of a larger messaging exchange, or somebody specifically reaches out because they're very upset, says Dr. Karen Bridbord, PhD, a licensed psychologist, Certified Gottman Therapist with the Gottman Relationship Institute, and organizational consultant with her firm Karen Bridbord & Associates.
But just because you can fext doesn’t mean you should. Texting has “become, in essence, the go-to for communication,” says Bridbord, “[but] there are certain conversations that don't benefit from this medium, and arguing is one of them.”
How Fexting Affects Relationships
Anyone can find themselves arguing with another person over text—a parent, a sibling, even a coworker—but these types of fights tend to happen most often with couples. And a “large majority” of couples fext, says Dr. Lori Schade, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapy and founder/owner of Compassionate Connections Counseling who has studied the impact of texting on romantic relationships. (Misery truly does love company.)
Trouble is, the part of the brain that gets activated when couples are in conflict is the limbic system—notably, the amygdala, which controls the fight-or-flight response, also known as diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). In this mode, “the brain can't differentiate between seeing a saber-toothed tiger and a social conflict,” says Bridbord. This is what can take an argument from 0 to 100 in a single sentence. “What ends up happening is that people are off to the races, and they can't stop themselves because they feel threatened,” says Bridbord. “They feel like that fight/flight response is happening, and that's what probably makes conversations over text continue way longer than intended.”
The nature of texting adds an additional challenge because there is a greater chance of miscommunication due to the lack of tone, facial expressions, body language, and other context clues that come standard in an old-fashioned argument. “People can interpret a text in many different ways that could even make that fight/flight response get triggered quicker,” says Bridbord. “Through text, people can feel very criticized, misunderstood—the very things we are trying to avoid in conflict.” They also tend not to give the other person the benefit of the doubt as readily as they would in a face-to-face conversation, she adds, because texting is more impersonal.
When someone reads more into a text than they should, they can easily jump to an inaccurate conclusion and, consequently, go on the defensive. For example, you might say something that would be considered constructive criticism in person, but when the other person sees the words written out, all they can focus on are the less-than-positive parts. That can quickly lead any discussion to a dead-end. “When somebody feels criticized, they get defensive, and that really shuts down communication,” says Bridbord, because one person might stonewall the other by just not replying. And that lack of response can then trigger the other person.
“We have primal drives based around romantic attachment. We want to know we matter. We want to know we can impact this person. That's why you'll see the phenomenon [when] your partner does not respond to you, it actually viscerally starts to generate a panic response,” says Schade. Their intention might be trying to bring the “emotional temperature” down, she adds, but they actually end up amplifying the other person’s aggression because they feel like they can’t reach their partner and, therefore, don’t matter. The result: A fast-and-furious onslaught of texts. It doesn’t matter how their partner responds, so long as they say something.
“To get an angry response is actually more soothing than no response,” says Schade. “Even if I can get you to call me a name back or argue with me, that actually feels more calming to me than if you don't respond at all… because at least you care enough to get mad at me.”
And while the feelings stirred up by these exchanges might ultimately be fleeting, fexting is forever. “It's obviously a communication that, in some ways, is recorded, and people can go back and reread the texts, which can just re-trigger them,” says Bridbord (who encourages her clients to resist that urge).
You might think going over the texts later with your partner will help you make sense of how things escalated, but that often doesn’t work. “Theoretically, you might think it would create resolution because you have 'factual evidence,' but it doesn’t because it's like any communication where the person filters it based on their own experience and perception,” says Schade. “...It actually muddles [the conversation] even more because then, a couple will argue about whether that content was said in a way that was meant to be harmful or aggressive, and because it was lacking the emotional context cues, there's actually no resolution.”
What can be resolved? Your troublesome texting tendencies. Here's how to stop fexting—for good:
1. Press pause.
You and your partner might be able to go a full 12 rounds of fexting, but are either of you any closer to “winning” the fight? If the answer is no (which it probably is), it's time to take off the virtual boxing gloves and call for a timeout. Try: “Hey, I know this is really important. You matter to me. Our relationship matters to me. So let's take a break and set aside some time to come back to this when we’re both home from work,” the experts say. Rather than just saying, “I’m at work, can we talk about this later?,” this approach not only reassures your partner that the overall relationship is secure (helping decrease DPA!), but also allows both of you to slow down and really process what you’re feeling.
While you might be tempted to initiate a timeout by simply delaying your response, remember “that can get coded as a non-response, which can trigger the other partner into a reactive place,” says Schade. A delayed response can actually prolong the fexting situation because your partner may start spiraling in response to the silence.
2. Take 20 minutes (minimum) to self-soothe.
Pressing pause will help you ease out of that diffuse physiological arousal state, but it takes about 20 minutes to fully come down—and that's if you’re “masterful” at self-soothing, says Bridbord. Even if you’re not, use that timeframe as a guideline to practice self-soothing, which, BTW, can be as simple as focusing on a work project or talking to a friend about a totally separate topic. The goal with self-soothing is simply to take your mind off of the conflict by thinking about something completely different, Bridbord says. In essence, this will give your nervous system time to regulate itself again.
3. Close the Messages app. Open the Notes app.
Or, if you have some paper and pen, put the phone away entirely. Whatever you’ve got on hand, take some time to write and reflect on how you feel. “When we write things down, it helps us process,” says Bridbord. Another perk: “You have to use cerebral cortex to write, which is a higher [form of] executive functioning and helps calm the limbic system,” adds Schade. (Remember: The limbic system is the part of the brain that helps regulate emotions and behavior, including that fight or flight response.)
It matters what you write, though. An insult to your partner? Not so helpful. An introspective reflection? That’s worth waxing poetic. Some quick thought starters from the experts:
Why did I just get so angry?
What's getting triggered for me?
What’s the emotion that I’m feeling, and what’s the underlying fear?
Ideally, writing out your answers to these types of questions will help you “purposely differentiate the reactive emotion, like anger and frustration, from the more vulnerable emotion that got triggered,” says Schade.”Usually, what's happening is there's deeper fear or pain or self-doubt driving it… [and] usually, the underlying fear has something to do with ‘I’m not lovable’ or ‘I'm going to lose this relationship and be alone.’” Writing can help you specifically identify those deeper vulnerabilities driving the aggravation, which can help you “organize your own emotional response more efficiently,” according to Schade, so you’re in a better headspace when it comes time to talk to your partner.
You can even refer back to what you wrote and read parts of it to your partner, if doing so helps you articulate your thoughts, but you may find that organizing your emotions through the writing process has already better equipped you to speak to them.
4. Repair the conflict face-to-face.
You can begin to repair the conflict over text (by saying ‘I’m sorry,’ for example) but “it’s very hard to repair over text because you lose so much of communication,” says Bridbord. “You just have the words… [so] it’s really hard to empathize over text.” To fully repair the conflict, opt for an in-person conversation or, if that’s not possible due to location constraints, a video or phone call. “It's just much more productive to have a conversation in person or even by phone,” says Bridbord, because you’re able to have a real-time back-and-forth.
This allows both people to express their feelings, perspective, and perception of what the conflict is really about, while the other person listens (and, ideally, reflects back what was said in a non-judgmental and empathetic way), says Bridbord. Coming to the conversation with curiosity and empathy, rather than the desire to be right, creates multiple opportunities to better understand each other.
Even if you and your partner remain at odds over the content of the fight—maybe you're still annoyed that they didn't take out the trash when they said they would—take the opportunity to express what triggered you to start fexting, take responsibility for your part in the conflict, and—together—learn from the experience, says Bridbord. You can also use this convo to come up with a game plan for what to do if/when this conflict or a similar one comes up again.
FYI for LDRs: Got a cross-country conflict? A video call is your best bet to “gain clarity” and resolve a fexting argument because you can receive more “emotional context cues” via facial expression and body language than a phone call, says Schade. But with more visibility comes more vulnerability. “Often, people will avoid [doing a video call] because, while it would probably generate more emotional accuracy for resolving things, it's a bigger risk emotionally,” says Schade. Being able to see how angry or hurt the other person could potentially make you feel worse, so it makes sense why avoiding that uncomfortable moment may seem like the best option. But remember: The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.
5. Identify the patterns at play.
If you tend to fext about the same topic(s) time and again, it can be more helpful to learn how to identify the negative patterns that get activated, rather than focusing on the content of this individual conflict (especially if you already know you’re not going to agree), says Schade. Again, this requires some introspection—but from both partners this time. Together, discuss what happens when one or both people feel threatened, and then come up with some alternative ways to get reassurance and respond so you don't go down this rabbit hole for the umpteenth time.
Schades suggests asking each other, “What is this process for how we get stuck?” Maybe one partner’s actions trigger the other to feel like they don’t matter. When that partner feels threatened—for whatever reason—what are some ways that partner can seek reassurance and the other give it that benefits both parties and the relationship as a whole? The answer will vary couple to couple, but the goal remains the same: for both partners to feel secure in the relationship. This is key to preventing future fexting situations because “when people feel more secure in the relationship, they're less likely to get triggered,” says Schade.
6. Decode the conflict.
The way a person “codes” (or interprets) a statement can matter more than the content of the statement itself because every interaction operates on two levels, says Schade. One is “intraphysic,” meaning our personality style and intellect, our accumulation of individual history, our experiences socially, and how we make sense out of the world. “You’re bringing that into every conversation, and it's basically invisible to your partner,” says Schade.
Meanwhile, that’s happening at the same time as the interpersonal exchange, which is what you actually say to each other. This is why couples can get bogged down by trading statements like, “That might have been what I said, but that's not what I meant.” All that does is create a vicious cycle where you try to rehash the content of the argument with no resolution, says Schade.
Instead, come to the convo with curiosity about your partner’s “intraphysic” baggage. For example, you might say: “Is that how you made sense of what I said? Well, if you made sense out of it that way, I can see why you thought that.” Your partner may mention a past relationship experience that impacts how they act in your relationship, and it’s important not to respond defensively, says Schade. It’s much more productive to say, “I can see why this reminded you of your ex who lied to you, and suddenly, you felt like you were back in the same situation, and I can see why you would be triggered by that,” rather than, “Well, I'm not your ex, so, you should be able to know that this is different.”
This technique also help couples slow down in arguments because they realize they’re having different experiences of the same conversation, which can help facilitate a more compassionate response, says Schade.
Every couple experiences conflict now and again, but how and when you choose to deliver your argument matters. When in doubt, hash it out IRL. After all, why waste time fexting when you could be making up?
Meet the Experts: Dr. Karen Bridbord, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, Certified Gottman Therapist with the Gottman Relationship Institute, and an organizational consultant with her firm Karen Bridbord & Associates. Dr. Lori Schade, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapy and the founder and owner of Compassionate Connections Counseling. She is a supervisor in the Marriage & Family Therapy department at Brigham Young University and has published a peer-reviewed study on the impact of texting in romantic relationships.
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