How to Let Go of a Grudge That’s Been Living Rent-Free in Your Head
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When the person who wronged you doesn’t seem to face any consequences, holding a grudge can feel like the only way to restore some sort of justice. Sure, they may be completely oblivious to the unresolved tension and bitterness brewing deep inside you, but still: There’s something oddly satisfying about ensuring they haven’t gotten off scot-free (even if it’s only in your head).
Whether or not you think grudges are petty, they’re something lots of people can relate to, according to Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles. “For some, it’s a way to validate emotions, as if by staying angry, you’re making sure the wrong is recognized,” Bayramyan tells SELF, which explains why letting go of a grudge can feel as if you’re downplaying that pain. But the reality is, carrying resentment isn’t actually punishing them—nor is it helping you. According to Bayramyan, whipping up revenge fantasies will only drain your mental energy and fill you with frustration and bitterness—valid reasons why it’s in your best interest to break free from the negativity.
That said, moving on doesn’t mean you have to be the “bigger person” or pretend things are fine when they’re not—and these expert tips can help you realistically put it behind you in a way that doesn’t minimize your pain or their actions.
1. Validate your emotions without judgment.
We’re not going to tell you to just “forgive” and embrace positive vibes when you’re seething over a manipulative ex who cheated on you, the bully who made your high school years a living hell, or the coworker who sabotaged your promotion.
“It’s more than okay to be hurt or angry,” Bayramyan says. So instead of denying your bad blood altogether or pushing the pain aside (which will only feed your grudge), start with acknowledging “This upset me, and that’s okay,” or whatever’s true for you. Naming how you feel can help you understand your emotions better, she adds—a powerful first step in letting go and learning to heal.
2. Interrupt your emotional response with a distraction.
Certain triggers can awaken your grudge and the rage, jealousy, or judgment that comes with it. You ran into your ex’s friend group at a bar. Someone mentioned their name in a passing conversation. Their LinkedIn profile was recommended in your notifications—all inconvenient reminders of why you can’t stand them.
For those moments out of your control, both experts recommend having a game plan to redirect your energy, ideally into something that soothes and distracts you. “Physical activities like exercising or cleaning can burn off the adrenaline that fuels your anger,” Alicia Hodge, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Washington, DC, and adjunct professor at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, tells SELF. Creative outlets like drawing, crafting, or writing can also be “a constructive way to process your emotions.”
The key, Dr. Hodge says, is to find a hobby that requires you to use your mind and body. By the time you’re done, you’ll hopefully have interrupted the resentment spiral instead of staying stuck in it.
3. Write a closure letter (but don’t send it).
One of the best ways to get all-consuming anger, disappointment, and bitterness out of your head, according to both experts, is by transferring them onto paper. “Writing your true thoughts and feelings, as if you were speaking to the person, can surprisingly bring clarity,” Dr. Hodge says. It’s your chance to express everything you’ve been holding in—without the stress of an actual, IRL confrontation. (Which is why it’s not a smart idea to send the letter, unless you’re prepared for drama.)
Some helpful prompts to jumpstart your jotting process: What am I truly upset about? What do I wish happened instead? If I could talk to this person one last time, what do I want them to know? Articulating the issue not only helps release pent-up emotions, but ideally, it should also give you some closure to decide whether holding onto a grudge is actually serving you.
4. Or, depending on your situation, have an honest conversation.
This isn’t always possible or ideal, but it’s an option worth considering with people you want to maintain (or rekindle) a relationship with—like a family member you believe has good intentions or an ex-friend you outgrew but still care about.
Sometimes, people aren’t aware of the impact their actions had on you, Bayramyan points out, which is why in some cases, letting them know can provide "closure” to end your grudge. For example, try expressing your thoughts with “I” statements: “To be honest, I was hurt when you didn’t invite me to that trip.” They might offer an explanation, an apology, or at least an acknowledgment of your pain.
Even if they don’t react how you hope they would, though, just knowing that these deep-seated feelings are no longer buried inside you can be enough to clear the air in your head and finally move on, Bayramyan says.
5. Avoid defining a person by one or two mistakes.
For smaller slip-ups, like a friend arriving late to your birthday party or an aunt who accidentally cracked an insensitive comment about your body, both experts recommend getting into the habit of practicing empathy. Not only will this help you look past minor offenses, but it can also prevent small conflicts from snowballing into longer-lasting grudges.
To start, both experts recommend asking yourself: Was the mistake intentional? Maybe your late friend was busy, stressed, or unaware of how important their timeliness was to you. Another question to consider: Does this mistake reflect their true character? Sure, your aunt had one bad faux pas, but you know she’s usually thoughtful, considerate, and not the type to intentionally body shame. Finally, Bayramyan suggests asking: Is this mistake significant enough to kill our relationship? You may realize that in the grand scheme of things, one off-moment isn’t worth throwing away an otherwise meaningful, healthy relationship.
6. Define what it means to forgive someone.
The advice of “being the bigger person” isn’t very reassuring when someone horribly wronged you—or never even apologized. But releasing your grudge doesn’t have to mean you’re giving them a free pass: “Rather, forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the grip of anger,” Bayramyan says.
In other words, you don’t have to forget what they did or let bygones be bygones. Instead, accept that the past can’t be changed and choose to focus on what you’ve learned from the experience. Maybe you now realize that a true friend wouldn’t tear you down with sneaky put-downs—and moving forward, you’ll know not to put up with those “jokes.” Or you’ve learned you can’t trust that one colleague who keeps stealing credit for your ideas.
“Think of forgiveness as releasing the emotional weight the offense is holding over you,” Dr. Hodge says. “You can hold someone accountable while also choosing to move on for your own peace.”
7. Replace your grudge with boundaries instead.
“Rather than replaying what happened, focus forward on what you can do to protect your future self,” Dr. Hodge says. This can look like blocking them on social media to avoid random updates that reignite old resentment. You could also limit your time with a friend group that’s still closely tied to your toxic ex (and perhaps prioritize your efforts on making new, supportive ones instead).
Once you realize that a grudge only drags you (not your enemy) down, letting go will feel like a breath of fresh air. “Think of it as a deeply personal act of self-care that prioritizes your healing,” Dr. Hodge says. You’re giving yourself permission to move forward and live your life—and sometimes, that inner peace is the most satisfying way to show someone they don’t deserve space in your head.
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Originally Appeared on Self
