Online, people are complaining about 'avoidant discard': It's 'a more intimate' ghosting
Your romantic life couldn't be better. You and your partner can't stop texting, going on dates, gushing about each other so much that your friends want to muzzle you. Then, it happens.
They abruptly retreat. They close off emotionally. They stop returning your calls and texts. What gives?
If you've spent time on TikTok, you've likely seen the term "avoidant discard" to describe this phenomenon. While therapists caution this is not a mental health condition based in science, "it seems to describe what happens when someone with an avoidant attachment style pulls away," explains Luis Cornejo, licensed marriage and family therapist. It's not to be confused with ghosting, where you disappear without a word, but "it’s when someone struggles with closeness or emotional intimacy and distances themselves in ways that feel confusing or hurtful."
People should remember that someone who pulls an "avoidant discard" on them has issues to work out on their own; it's not a reflection on you or your relationship.
"It can leave the victim who feels discarded questioning themselves and what they did wrong," says Amy Morin, psychotherapist, author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do" and the host of a podcast. "But an abrupt departure without explanation is usually more about the person who is avoiding, not the person who got avoided."
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'A more intimate level' of ghosting
Avoidant discard is hardly something new, but "it has increased in prevalence with the rise in technology of social media, dating apps and constant digital connectivity of people as a strategy to disappear or disconnect without an explanation," says Chase Cassine, licensed clinical social worker.
Kevin Chapman, founder and director of the Kentucky Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, likens avoidant discard "a more intimate level" of ghosting, he says. "But ultimately, people are really referencing this idea of, 'I didn't see it coming.'" It's important to consider whether you're dating someone with an avoidant attachment style: "a tendency to avoid emotional intimacy and avoid feelings of vulnerability in relationships," says Regine Galanti, a clinical psychologist.
Those who have avoidant attachment will grow anxious regarding close relationships in their lives and may develop a pattern of pushing people away.
"They may reduce contact or suddenly stop contact altogether, including ghosting someone," Morin adds. "This can leave the other person feeling hurt, confused or angry. It may also cause the other person to desperately seek more contact, which can cause the avoidant person to distance themselves even further."
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What to do if you face an 'avoidant discard'
Remember: It's not about you! When it comes to dating more broadly, "you’re navigating not just your own emotions, but also someone else’s expectations, communication style and readiness for a relationship," Cornejo says.
Plus, "there's oftentimes when we engage in these behavioral responses to potential intimacy, or things where the stakes are high and someone feels better temporarily by escaping the relationship or the situation, which paradoxically backfires and perpetuates a negative feedback loop, so they do it in future relationships," Chapman adds.
It's yet another reminder to go into relationships with a mix of openness and guardrails – and to think about what you want and need from another person.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Avoidant discard, explained: What does relationship term mean?