Do Opposites Attract? Maybe—But Are They Actually Compatible?

Jenna Ryu
·6 min read

Alona Horkova/Getty Images

According to some of the best rom-coms out there, the answer to the age-old “Do opposites attract?” debate is a resounding yes. Unlikely pairings—a bookish introvert falling for the popular, social butterfly; the bubbly optimist drawn to the mysteriously brooding realist—make for some of the most swoon-worthy stories. But the real question is, do these types of matches actually last?

There’s something undeniably exciting about being with a person who’s, well, nothing like you. “The novelty is a huge part of the ‘opposites attract’ appeal,” Chris Gonzalez, PhD, LMFT, professor and founding director of Lipscomb University’s Marriage and Family Therapy masters program in Nashville, tells SELF. “It’s like, ‘There’s something in you I don’t see in myself, and that’s what makes this dynamic so unfamiliar yet electric.”

But will that early chemistry translate into a happily ever after? According to Dr. Gonzalez, not necessarily: “There’s a difference between attraction, that initial spark, and compatibility, which refers to whether the relationship is built to last.” Some opposites can successfully challenge and complement each other in a way that strengthens their bond, he explains, while other times, competing personalities can be impossible to overcome. Below, we asked experts what makes some opposites click—and why others clash.

So, why do opposites attract?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer as to why we may gravitate toward our polar opposites. Again, the unknown can be a big draw. But there are a few reasons why ending up with someone quite different might work in your favor, too, according to Molly Burrets, PhD, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s Department of Marriage and Family Therapy.

For starters, you probably don’t want to be with a carbon copy of yourself, Dr. Burrets tells SELF. There’s not much room to grow if you’re both always on the same page and never disagreeing or challenging each other. Plus, things can get boring when you’re too similar—without any contrast, it’s easy to feel stagnant. In some cases, too many commonalities can also breed more conflict, Dr. Gonzalez points out—like if both of you are too stubborn to apologize during fights or so conflict-avoidant that important issues never get addressed.

That’s where having a few opposite traits can actually strengthen your bond, both experts agree. Consider a detail-oriented partner who thrives on an hour-by-hour itinerary for vacations, for example, paired with someone who’s more spontaneous and flexible. Together, they strike a sweet balance: Plans stay in place but there’s still room to go with the flow. Similarly, if you’re more logical and rational, dating a creative, free-spirited partner can help you tap into your emotional side.

Here’s why opposites may not last

According to Dr. Burrets, “the idea that opposites attract continues to resonate because it’s often based on the beginning of a relationship”—a.k.a. when you’re falling in love—“before arguments start to surface.” Eventually, your differences will start to stand out—and you may realize how mismatched communication styles, say, or contrasting views about spending money are impacting your bond. And the constant friction can make it much harder for some couples to sustain a long-term partnership.

Of course, “every relationship is unique,” Dr. Gonzalez points out. Clashing political views might not be a big deal for folks who aren’t deeply invested in current events or passionate about activism. But for others, once the honeymoon phase fades, what started as thought-provoking debates could gradually turn into never-ending arguments and simmering resentment. Even lifestyle discrepancies, like mismatched sleeping schedules or cleaning standard, can snowball into fundamental incompatibilities that leave you feeling like you’re living separate lives.

It all depends on what’s nonnegotiable for you. But both experts agree that certain “opposites” are generally harder to overcome—namely, conflicting core values (think: views on family or religion), life goals (like where to live or whether to have kids), and communication styles. That’s because these things “determine how well you can connect, accept each other, and build a lasting future together,” Dr. Gonzalez says—key ingredients for making a relationship go the distance.

How do you know if you’re compatible with someone?

“Some people think compatibility means liking all the same things,” Dr. Gonzalez says. “That’s one way of being compatible, but not the only one,” which is why asking yourself these quick questions can help you determine whether your romance has long-term potential.

  • Do we share the same core values? Consider your absolute dealbreakers. Are you okay with dating someone who doesn’t see “harmless flirting” as emotional cheating, or whose religious or political beliefs (or lack thereof) clash with yours? Getting clear on your must-haves—and seeing how they align (or don’t) with your SO’s—can give you a better sense of whether this connection has staying power.

  • Are our long-term goals similar? A huge part of compatibility, according to both experts, is having shared visions for your future together. Similar childhood upbringings or a mutual love of tennis is great, sure. But it won’t mean much if one of you wants to get married next year or move across the country…and the other doesn’t.

  • Can we communicate effectively? Even if you disagree on some biggies, being able to listen, express your feelings, and talk things through respectfully can prevent those issues from driving you apart, Dr. Gonzalez says. On the flip side, couples who resort to blame, pressure each other to abandon their beliefs, and avoid addressing underlying tensions tend to feel disconnected over time, he says.

  • Can we resolve conflict in a healthy, constructive way? Are mismatched financial habits fueling pretty much all of your fights? Are you always getting guilt-tripped over your demanding work schedule? “If certain ‘opposite’ traits keep causing friction—with no resolution in sight—that might signal incompatibility rather than a healthy balance,” Dr. Burrets explains.

  • Are both of you willing to accept each other’s differences? No couple agrees on absolutely everything, both experts say—which is why flexibility and compromise really matter. “True compatibility includes respect for each other’s differences,” Dr. Burrets says—meaning, you shouldn’t be forcing each other to change.

On that note, compromise shouldn’t come at the expense of abandoning what makes you, well, you. Because in a healthy, compatible relationship, you should never have to become less of yourself in order to make things work.

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Originally Appeared on Self

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