14 Formerly Religious People Are Revealing Why They No Longer Identify With Their Faith, And It's Emotional, Thought-Provoking, And Brave
We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community who grew up in ultra-religious households and later distanced themselves from faith to tell us what motivated them to do so. We received some incredibly emotional, upsetting, and truly brave responses. Please note: These submissions don't reflect a universal experience of religion. Everyone's story is different. Here's what people shared:
Warning: Post contains mentions of sexual violence, child abuse, anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric, pregnancy loss, suicide, racism, and substance abuse.
1."My parents worked outside the home, so I spent most of my childhood in my grandmother's care. She was very religious. My beliefs aligned with hers until I became a teenager and started asking more questions. I learned that I was pansexual in my 20s and went through a faith deconstruction during the COVID-19 pandemic. She got angry and couldn't understand why I had changed and then insinuated that my son was autistic and going to hell because I angered God. I didn't care what she said about me, but I could never get over what she said about my son."
2."I was raised in a very strict Catholic household. I went to Catholic school and was very active in my parish. My parents were active in the church — eucharistic ministers, members of the choir, and did readings at mass. It was the center of our world. After college, I was married in the church. My husband and I tried for years to start a family. When we finally got pregnant, we lost our baby at 12 weeks. It was beyond devastating. We turned to the church for comfort and guidance in our grief. Sadly, we were told that since our baby was not baptized, they would spend eternity in purgatory. We were also told that our loss was 'part of the Lord's plan.' Neither sentiment was comforting to either of us."
"After physically recovering from the loss, we kept trying for our rainbow baby. After another two years, we realized this wasn't going to happen for us the 'old-fashioned way' and sought help from a fertility specialist. Our breaking point was the church not supporting IVF. We walked away and were constantly guilted by our families. As a result, we have cut most of our families out of our lives. To end positively, we are currently expecting our rainbow baby!"
—Anonymous
3."My preacher couldn't help me when I was seeking guidance after being sexually assaulted. I was blamed and turned away when I needed support. That, in addition to seeing the greed of mega-churches and how churches cover for preachers who abused their power, was what did it for me."
4."My biological mother ruined her marriage with my dad because she had an affair with a woman. This convinced her that homosexuality was an ultimate sin, and she ended up ruthlessly hateful towards the LGBTQ+ community. When she found out I was bi, she told me how disappointed she was and that she could help me; there were places she would pay to send me to repent. Unfortunately, it was a long time before I finally cut her off. Everything I've heard about her since, like how she was convinced that Democrats were the antichrist's army, that the end times were coming, and that COVID vaccines were the sign of the beast, have all proven to me that cutting her off was the best decision."
—Anonymous
5."I was indoctrinated in a fundamentalist Baptist church setting with a family that was heavily involved in leadership roles within the church. We went to church three times a week minimum, often more. My parents were very concerned about appearances both in and out of church and had no regard for mental health, even when my brother attempted suicide. I have vivid memories of the youth pastor announcing my brother's suicide attempt to the youth group of 60+ kids and language revolving around how prayer was needed. I still recall how shameful it felt to be looked at like our family had failed the church. I tried explaining to a therapist once how intensive moral absolutes in my formative years made my anxiety and OCD symptoms worse, and she looked blankly at me and said, 'Most people who go to church are nice.'"
"While I wholeheartedly believe it's beautiful when individuals find solace in their faith, I witnessed a lot of harmful extremes in organized religion, including misogyny, racism, and xenophobia. I'm still close with my parents but haven't gone to church since I was 17 (I'm 32 now), and I know my parents are sad I don't share their views. I had to grieve many friendships and relationships with extended family members who I simply can't relate to or respect because of their actively oppressive viewpoints. I'm now a therapist and am grateful I get to help clients work through their own religious trauma and form new identities with spirituality beyond organized religion."
—Anonymous
6."I grew up in the '80s amidst the backdrop of televangelism and conspiracy theories. My mother was 'saved' when I was 8. In the following years, I tagged along to prayer groups and church to remain relevant as my mother became increasingly withdrawn from the family. But within a year or two, I realized (precocious me!) that religion was definitely not my jam. As soon as I began to pull away from it, my mother began forcefully trying to haul me back. Forced daily prayers, anointing with 'holy oil,' and other rituals drove the wedge in deeper, and by 11, I was suicidal because my mother promised me that I'd burn in hell for not believing as she did."
"As I progressed through my teen years, she hung crucifixes in my closet and snuck into my bedroom at night to pray over me. I wasn't allowed to watch TV, listen to music, see movies, or go anywhere without her. She beat me several times, chanting that her deity was going to 'bind and cast Satan out of me' or screaming that she was doing her deity's work because not beating me was to 'spare the rod and spoil the child.' One of her beatings left me with bruises three inches wide and a foot long as she whipped me with my father's leather belt. Bear in mind: I was a good kid. I'd never been in any trouble, got decent grades, and even worked a part-time job. After I finally got out, she continued to make efforts to humiliate me. She died alone and miserable, crying and whining. And I celebrated with no regrets."
—Anonymous
7."My mother was super religious in a cult and swore she was one of the only 144,000 people going to rule in heaven. She forced religion on us as she raised us, including the Ten Commandments. I reached adulthood, started my own business with her as a silent partner, and caught her stealing from a client and the company. When I confronted her about it, she claimed it was 'us against the world' and it wasn't wrong to do so. She threatened to take my kids away (and she eventually followed through). I reported her to the elders, but they said because I didn't have three witnesses to her stealing (paperwork didn't count), I was being disassociated. I left, and to this day, my children believe the lies she told about me, and I haven't seen/spoken to them in decades."
—Anonymous
8."My dad's side of the family is extremely Catholic, and growing up, we already felt alienated by them because we weren't Catholic and went to the Methodist church (which my grandma, the matriarch of the family, went to as well, so I don't get why it was such a big deal). Even beyond that, they treated us like crap. As an adult, my parents finally confessed my sister and I were IVF babies and were conceived with a sperm donor, and it felt like I finally got it. I realized as a teenager I was bisexual, and now, as an adult, I'm basically a Republican's worst nightmare: a bisexual, gender-nonconforming, autistic witch. Since they are voting for Trump (and even attended the rally where he was shot), I realized they don't care that I'm family. They will gladly do whatever to stamp out my existence for their own religious bigotry."
"I might see them at a family member's funeral, but I honestly feel nothing over cutting them out. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? They don't invite me to holiday gatherings? They don't even do that now. They've never invited me to Thanksgiving or Easter as an adult. I'm unsure if it's out of laziness or intentional. But I'm done being treated like crap because I don't fit into their religious ideology."
—Anonymous
9."The fact that I had to accept what I was told without any questions bothered me. With the marriage of faith and fundamentalism that started in the '70s, I knew something had to be wrong. Maybe everything they taught me was wrong. I had questions, and I wanted my answers. They still had none. I finally gave up when they aligned with a politician I felt did not represent my values. I felt Jesus supported my decision."
—Anonymous
10."My father died when I was 7 at Christmas when my mother was nine months pregnant with my youngest sister. My mother went into labor after the funeral, and while she was in the hospital, she was 'visited' by members of the local Church of Christ. Until that point, she had been a non-practicing Catholic. We began attending church three times a week, and the sermons usually followed the same theme: burning in hell. We were taught to believe that my father was in hell because he hadn't been born again before he passed. Also, it was pre-arranged that my sisters and I would go to a Christian orphanage if anything happened to my mom. I was informed of this decision because I was the oldest child. I had just turned 8."
"There's a passage in the Bible that says, 'The Lord will return like a thief in the night.' I took this literally and started believing that God was going to take my mom at night when everyone else was asleep, so I stopped sleeping because I thought that if I didn't sleep, the Lord couldn't take my mom. This happened for a few years, with me sleeping in bits and pieces. I had to get up several times during the night to make sure my mom was still breathing. No one seemed to notice that anything was wrong with me. My mother worked full-time and was with my younger sisters during any free time.
I wasn't allowed to participate in most school activities because they were considered sinful. At 14, I started sneaking out of the house, drinking, and doing drugs to try and deal with the trauma of being constantly told that I was a sinner. By the time I was 17, I was a full-blown alcoholic and drug user. I quit going to church, and eventually, so did my mom, but the damage was done. It's been 40 years since I quit going to church, and I've never recovered from the trauma. Both of my sisters became abusive alcoholics and drug addicts who took their trauma out on their children. I have struggled mentally for years, off and on anti-depressants and constantly battling suicidal feelings. I feel worthless and unlovable. Despite all this, I tried to believe in God but finally gave up."
—Anonymous
11."I didn't so much leave a religious family, but I've alienated myself from a bunch of relatives and in-laws as an adult. My heathen crimes: pointing out the hypocrisy of their actions vs. what is actually Christianity, quoting Jesus's words from their own scripture to support my points, pointing out that those firm 'moral convictions' they throw at everyone are actually fear and wickedness, not faith and love, and my favorite, reminding them that Jesus warned his followers about people (like them) who are easily influenced by appearances while they judge others."
—Anonymous
12."It was abusive, neglectful, and controlling. I was told I would be either institutionalized or shot if I ever mentioned being queer again after coming out to my mother at 14. She would constantly tell me I had the devil in me and claim my grandmother with bipolar disorder was evil and also had the devil in her. I was taught that people of color were a different species and white people were superior. Bible stories were used to justify hate, supremacy, racism, misogyny, and even spousal rape. The church was horrible to the low-income families that showed up, as well as anyone of a different color, and they would eventually be run off. We were taught by the church that the government 'of man' was not superior to God and that we were preparing for a bloody war against those possessed by the devil. Friends, family, and loved ones would be on opposite sides, and we would have to kill them to 'save' them. It was bananas."
"I was not allowed to socialize outside of school or church. My parents were employed in the school system, so I never had a second of freedom. I was bullied endlessly at school for being weird. I regularly thought about suicide or harming others (bullies, mean teachers, coaches). I won't even get into how weird the church and my parents were about sex. They wanted me to have babies and never saved a dime for me to go to college despite my being at the top of my class. They allowed my boyfriend to sexually assault me in the family living room despite my pleas to please make him go home. Getting pregnant meant I'd have to stay home, and they wanted that. When I broke off the relationship, they blamed me. My mother sabotaged my college FASFA and made sure I didn't get into the college of my dreams. A counselor at school helped me with in-state when they realized what was happening, and I got several in-state scholarships.
I managed to escape, and a dorm mother stepped up to help when she realized what was happening. My parents had thrown all my paperwork away and didn't have me listed for move-in. The dorm mom found me a spot and helped me enroll that night. She saved my life. Even then, my parents would show up and demand I return home each weekend. They would drive an hour and a half to pick me up and force me to have a job every spare second of the weekend. They also forced me to call them every night at 10:00 p.m., or they called the cops.
They still blame college for me being 'liberal.' At 21, I had a nervous breakdown and realized I was queer. I had suppressed it due to fear. Then, I started separating myself from my parents. I paid for college myself, made friends, found the love of my life, and left religion and them behind forever. I can breathe, I am happy, and I feel loved. While it is sad that they have chosen hate and God instead of me, I never regret leaving. Therapy is an ongoing help. You can escape. Religion is a tool to repress, control, and harm. You can be spiritual, find faith, or just do your own thing. You don't need a community of people who harm you, judge you, and try to control you. You can find one that loves and accepts you as you are."
—Anonymous
13."My sister and her husband became hyper-religious after we (four kids) became adults. Among other things, they shunned my ex-sister-in-law when she came out as gay. They had known and loved my SIL for over 25 years. She didn't change, they did. I also heard my sister say she didn't want anyone sleeping in her bed (as visitors) who hadn't been vaxxed, yet she and her husband refused to be vaxxed, and, yes, they had COVID. They are Trump lovers, they are hypocritical, and they are so non-Christian. There is no milk of human kindness in them. I'm done with my sister!"
14.And: "I grew up in a Southern Baptist Church and attended Baptist college as a commuter my first year. As girls, we were required to wear skirts or dresses. On a day I didn't have class, I stopped by to pick up something I needed. I had on jeans, a white collared shirt, and penny loafers. A woman I didn't know saw me in the hall and started screaming, 'How dare you come here in beach attire!' I explained that I wasn't attending class, but right then and there, I'd had enough. I married a boy I met there, and we finished college elsewhere and never went back to church. We've been married for 55 years, have led moral, upright lives, and never regretted our decisions."
—Anonymous
To those who shared, thank you for your bravery, honesty, and vulnerability. There are no words to adequately express how sorry I am for the trauma you endured. I hope you all live beautiful, joyous, authentic lives now and can lead with the kindness and acceptance you deserved to be shown when you were younger. If you read this post and now feel compelled to share a story detailing your own separation from religion or religious relatives, you're invited to do so in the comments or through this anonymous form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386.
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