How to Take Rejection Way Less Personally

Julia Ries
·8 min read

Antonio Rodriguez/Adobe Stock

I’ve been rejected countless times throughout my life. I distinctly remember the sting I felt upon learning I didn’t make my high school’s varsity soccer team. Years later, that pain returned when my dream college declined my application, when someone I’d fallen hard for broke up with me, and when I was passed over for a high-paying job at a tech start-up.

After these rejections, I couldn’t shake the same loud intrusive thought: I’m not good enough. I figured there was something specific about me that was less-than, like my INFP personality type or creative thinking skills, and I was gutted. “Rejection is not only the loss of a dream you developed, but it’s also typically experienced as a blow to your self-esteem,” Molly Burrets, PhD, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s department of marriage and family therapy, tells SELF.

If things don’t go your way, it’s easy to ruminate about what you could have done differently or ways you could be better—and remarkably tough to stop catastrophizing. That said, it’s entirely possible to break free from the post-rejection spiral and, well, get a grip again. But before we get to tips, it helps to understand why being turned down can send you into a tizzy in the first place.

Why rejection is so damn painful

When there’s an opportunity in front of you—like a fancy job or a new long-term relationship—your brain tends to create an idealized vision of what your life could look like going forward, says Dr. Burrets. With that start-up job, for example, I pictured myself becoming super financially successful before I hit 30. So if and when the role or partnership doesn’t pan out, you don’t just lose the thing itself—you also have to let go of the wonderful future you built around it in your mind.

People tend to take that loss quite personally. “You may feel undermined, devalued, or wronged, which can elicit feelings of inadequacy or shame,” Lauren Phillips, PsyD, a Brooklyn-based psychologist at Williamsburg Therapy Group, tells SELF. “We tell ourselves this story that something negative about us is the reason we didn’t get that opportunity,” Dr. Burrets adds, like how I was convinced my boyfriend called it quits because I wasn’t fun or pretty enough.

On top of the initial ouch, being dismissed can also bring up pains or insecurities you harbor about past rejections. The losses get compounded, explains Dr. Burrets, and cynical thoughts you previously had about yourself can come flooding back. For instance, if you’ve been broken up with a few times, you might take each new experience as “evidence” that you’re unlovable. You can wind up building a strong case against yourself this way, Dr. Burrets says—which is why learning to handle rejection without spiraling is so essential. On that note…

How to deal with rejection

Awareness of your tendency to spiral is a solid first step, but it doesn’t end there. Here are a few ways to deal when your mind starts running wild, whether you’re mulling over every single detail or feeling all the feelings.

1. Journal about what just happened

If your mind is racing about what went awry or everything you could have done differently, crack open a notebook and start scribbling. Dr. Phillips recommends jotting down all of the thoughts and emotions you have about what transpired in a stream of consciousness form. “It’s kind of like calling a friend to dump and vent—only this time you can show up for yourself and get to know yourself in a deeper way,” she says.

One reason this works so well? Journaling slows your spiraling mind down. “We think much faster than we can formulate sentences and significantly faster than we can physically write them down,” says Dr. Phillips. Furthermore, research shows that journaling can counteract negative thinking and encourage a nonjudgmental view of your life experiences, so you might stumble across insights you hadn’t considered before—like how that interview was still good practice for the next opportunity or that you and your ex were actually pretty incompatible.

In the process of letting it all out, though, you might also find there are some unhelpful narratives you’re holding onto. At that point, it could be a solid time to…

2. Fact-check the story you’re telling yourself

There can be a ton of different reasons why you weren’t chosen for something, but according to Dr. Burrets, emotions don’t always help us see things accurately. Instead, we tend to overlook the factors that aren’t personal and zero in on our potential shortcomings. Because of that, Dr. Burrets says it’s important to take a step back and look at the facts of the situation—or at least alternative explanations.

Take me, for example: I send stories that get rejected by my editors all the time. Rather than assuming I have crappy ideas, I try to acknowledge that they may have passed over my pitches because they’ve covered the same topic recently or didn’t have the budget. Or, hey, maybe I didn’t flesh out the angle—and the rejection can serve as a reminder that if I dedicate more time to brainstorming, I’ll have a better shot next time.

The goal is to assess the situation objectively and rationally, which will likely remind you that you aren’t totally at fault. “You can look at parts of yourself that do need improvement in order for you to reach your goal—and you can look at the parts that aren’t about you—so that you can let go of an unhealthy and inaccurate narrative that you’re not good enough or will never be good enough,” Dr. Burrets says.

3. Think about the other person’s POV

Fact-checking your internal monologue can help you see the bigger picture, but it won’t always answer every question or soothe every hurt—especially when someone else’s motives or circumstances are involved. So it’s also worth considering the perspectives of the other parties involved, says Dr. Phillips. Like, hey, that promising Tinder match did mention a recent breakup. Maybe turning down date number two had less to do with you and more to do with realizing they’re not ready to start dating yet.

Not only can considering their POV remind you that their decision may not be personal, but it can also help you empathize with what they’re going through, Dr. Phillips says. That can make you calmer in turn—and quiet the pessimistic them-versus-me mentality. “When you can see the other person or institution as separate and having their own experience, you can understand it’s not any personal defect of yours,” she says.

4. Connect with things—or people—that make you feel good about yourself

If you’re feeling down on your luck, go do an activity you know you’re great at or spend time with people who make you feel supported. Why? Situations that let you shine will help you feel validated and appreciated again, Dr. Burrets says. On that note, now’s not the time to go visit your childhood BFF who always criticizes you or pick up a challenging new hobby either. “Have a boundary against people and experiences that make you question your worth,” Dr. Burrets suggests.

Instead, surround yourself with trustworthy allies who will listen to and laugh with you, and do things that make you proud of who you are. If you love to sing and people often compliment your voice, go do karaoke. If people rave about your cooking, host a dinner at your place. Doing a tried-and-true activity with good company will help you see that you aren’t a failure—in fact, you’re pretty great.

5. Bid farewell to your old goals and create new ones

As Dr. Burrets explained above, rejection is a form of loss—and it’s crucial to grieve what could have been. Let yourself be sad for a bit, Dr. Burrets says—talk about the missed opportunity with friends, listen to music, and read books or watch TV shows that resonate with your emotions.

Once you’ve grieved, Dr. Phillips encourages you to ask yourself: Did you really need that one particular outcome, or are there other options that might work out? Sometimes our expectations can be linear and inflexible—but it’s important to remember there are many other opportunities out there for you, Dr. Burrets says.

Looking back, I can see that being rejected actually propelled me onto a different, better path. That college relationship needed to fail in order for me to meet my husband. And the start-up that turned me down? Writing is, without a doubt, a way better fit for me than a customer service job in the tech industry. As Dr. Burrets says, “maybe not getting that thing points the arrow in a different direction.” So whip up some new goals. Browse job openings, crack open the dating apps, peruse another university’s offerings—and let yourself get excited about the next big thing.

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Originally Appeared on Self

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