I used to think it was strange when married couples kept finances separate. Now I get why people do it.

• Allison Raskin is a New York Times bestselling author and a leading voice in mental health advocacy.

• This is an adapted excerpt from her book "I Do (I Think)."

• "I Do (I Think)," explores essential conversations of marriage for a Gen Z and millennial audience.

I believe one of my biggest perception shifts when it comes to modern marriage has to do with the finances of it all. Growing up, I assumed all couples shared their money and combined all their assets into a joint bank account because that's what my parents did. Shortly after I was born, my mom quit her overdemanding, underpaying job as an editor and writer on Wall Street, so I was raised in a single-income home.

While my dad technically made all the money, it was never verbalized or viewed that way. My mom had access to everything and would consult with my father only about big purchases, not so he could control her, but so they could make those decisions together.

When I grew up and started hearing about married couples who had separate finances and alternated who paid for dinner, I found it weird at best and unsettling at worst. Why even marry someone if you didn't merge financial resources? A lifetime of splitting the check was my nightmare, and not just because I struggle to calculate the proper tip. Keeping your accounts separate felt like an illusion of a true marriage to me and it made me wonder,"What's even the point?"

My view on married couples with separate finances changed

Now that I'm older, I see it all differently. The US Census Bureau confirms that Americans are getting married later in life than before, which means people are entering into unions with more assets than past generations.

It also means new spouses have spent a longer time living as financially independent adults before tying the knot. When my parents got married at 23 and 24, they had nothing (other than student debt). Building their wealth as a team felt natural.

By contrast, when I married John, I was 34 with multiple bank accounts, an S-Corp, a Roth IRA, and investments in the stock market that I don't fully understand. Joining our finances isn't simple. So while I still enjoy and embrace having the mentality of "what's mine is yours," I've decided I don't need that to be reflected on paper. It is too much of a headache to officially merge everything, especially since we've already been living together and making it work despite separate accounts.

This technically-separate-but-mentally-shared approach has continued to work well for us for now, but I remain open to change in the future. Especially if one of us has to take time off for childcare at some point.

With this possibility in mind, I decided to seek some insight from Stacy Francis, president and CEO of the financial advisory firm Francis Financial, about the idea of separate or joint accounting for married couples.

One interesting idea she offered was that if you do join accounts, you can, and probably should, still consider the assets you enter into a marriage with as "premarital" money and treat it like a lockbox. With this system, she says, "You can change that money around, you can do anything you want with the way it's invested, but don't add more money to it," since that would make it harder to claim as yours if you end up getting divorced.

Talking about keeping money separate can be uncomfortable

Announcing to your new spouse, "I love you and I'm also going to keep all my premarital money in my own bank account" is a hard thing to do. But so is taking a risk on joining your life with another person. It's OK to have some safety measures in place before you dive off the metaphorical cliff into matrimony. Especially since we all have different histories and trigger points, and some people might require more measures to feel comfortable.

Different states also have different levels of protection for married couples who divorce, which can impact what extra steps you feel you do or don't need to take. What's most important, regardless of where you live or your level of concern, is to try to find partners who are comfortable with whatever it is we do need. Even if those needs inevitably change with time and circumstance.

Personally, another part of my reluctance to make any big changes to our financial status quo is that thinking about all this stuff makes me feel not only anxious, but also dumb. I'm not financially savvy and I'm also hyperaware that money conversations can be deeply emotional in ways we aren't always equipped to handle.

As Stacy points out, "Many of us were never raised to feel comfortable talking about money" and, as a result, the topic is avoided — only for so many couples to later split up due to financial issues. Kathleen Burns Kingsbury, a wealth psychology expert, refers to this avoidance as money silence. And it's getting in the way of having healthy relationships. (Clearly, I am not alone in my reluctance to dive into spreadsheets and uncomfortable conversations.)

But why is it so darn difficult to discuss this part of our lives with the person we trust with our time, heart, and body? Kathleen explains that in addition to us thinking it is "rude" to directly talk about finances, there is this belief that many people have that "if I talk about money, I'll look stupid because everybody else has it figured out." (Guilty!)

To complicate matters even further, Marguerita Cheng, a certified financial planner, notes that money symbolizes different things to different people. For some, it equates to "peace of mind," while for others it is a means of control and power, or freedom and flexibility.

So when you try to initiate a conversation about money with your partner, you can't even go into it assuming you're talking about the same stakes or implications. Money is a loaded topic, regardless of your background. I asked some of the experts about ways to make these conversations easier.

Dominique Broadway, a personal finance expert and money therapist, says she often advises clients to have "money dates," when they dress up, go to a nice restaurant and talk about their finances and financial goals. If that feels like too much, or the idea of dressing up to talk about current interest rates seems like a drag, shorter planned conversations can work just as well. Dominique and her husband chat for at least 20 minutes each Sunday to make sure they're on the same financial page.

No matter what setting you decide, having a time set aside on a regular basis can help the subject become more comfortable. It also means you aren't talking about money only in times of stress, so your association with these conversations will probably become less charged over time.

Excerpted from "I DO (I THINK): Conversations About Modern Marriage" by Allison Raskin. Copyright 2024 by Allison Raskin. Published by HarperCollins/Hanover Square Press.

Read the original article on Business Insider