"My First Thought Was, What Did We Do Wrong?": 15 Parents Who Are Disappointed With How Their Kids Turned Out

No new parent looks at their baby and imagines them growing up to be a disappointment. And why would they? In those early days, the future is wide open, and parents are full of hopes and dreams for their baby's future. Unfortunately, as time goes on, parents' feelings about their children can change...sometimes dramatically.

Over on Quora, parents are answering the question, "Are you disappointed with how your children turned out?" and their unflinchingly honest answers reveal just how much more complex actual parenting turns out to be compared to what a new parent might imagine. Here's what they had to say:

1."All in all, I'd say yes, I'm pretty disappointed. I have the laziest, most useless children anyone has ever seen. I loved them and took care of them, helped them with their homework, I stayed in a loveless marriage for 25 years because of them, I put up with my wife's cheating, and I never raised my hand to them. Then I sent them to college, and they never went to class; they just went to a computer cafe and played video games all day. I only found out after paying two years' tuition fees. I gave them a year off to decide what they wanted to do, and after three years of doing nothing, they told me they wanted to study computer programming. So, I sent them to the best school, but they never turned in their assignments, and after two years, they dropped out."

2."I have two sons who are five years apart. My first son listens to death metal, wears a band concert T-shirt (all black), and works as support staff at a big law firm. His girlfriend of seven years is covered in so many tattoos and piercings I've lost count. He, his girlfriend, and his 20-year-old nonbinary child live in subsidized housing."

"My second son is an electrician, and his fiancée is an office manager at the same company. They don't want to have children. They rent a nine-room house and are looking to buy a house.

Which one disappointed me? Neither. They both have kind and caring hearts. They are honest. They don't steal. They are loyal. They are just really great men. Did they both turn out like I expected? Absolutely!"

—Mary P., Quora

3."Yes, I'm disappointed. One of my kids is a bit better than the other, but they’re both assholes. I am not shirking responsibility, just answering the question."

—Mary J., Quora

4."Yes, I'm disappointed. I went without so my kids could have the best; they laughed at my clothes from the charity shop while wearing the finest. They both got good jobs, and I found the eldest an apprenticeship, which led to his own business. I also looked after their children for 15 years. They are both quite wealthy but lacking in love for me. Did it happen somewhere along the line?"

5."I have three children who are adults now, and each is self-sufficient. Like many parents, my husband and I worked hard and made many personal sacrifices. They each have very high IQs. I was sure I had a lawyer, an engineer, or a doctor in the group. I even thought one was going to become a minister and church leader. But it didn't work out that way, and initially, I was disappointed. It didn't make me feel any better when a family member would boast about her son or daughter earning six figures as an executive in a Fortune 500 company or earning a doctorate degree. My first thought was, What did we do wrong?"

"Then, one day, I realized these were my aspirations, not theirs. I was basing my feelings on the standards dictated to me by society. I started looking at each one of my children through a different set of lenses. Each one has had to deal with their own personal demons. It has been a real struggle for one, but he's winning the battle. He may not look like much to the world, but to me, he's a fighter and a champion.

Each one has a heart of gold and is compassionate toward others. So, in the end, I have to say that I'm not disappointed in them. I'm disappointed in me for those times that I let others get in my head."

—Diva, Quora

6."Yes, I am disappointed. But it is my fault. You know, 'disappointment is the outcome of expectation.' My expectation was not realistic."

—Ung-Jin K., Quora

7."No way, I am very proud of them! I have three boys: two biological and one adopted. My two youngest ones are married to each other (the one we adopted, Pete, and my youngest biological son, Kevin). When my wife died, the boys were 9 and 12. They pitched right in with the housework, cooking, taking care of each other, and anything to ease the burden on me. When we moved into the new house, Peter came right over to help us move in, and all three became best friends. When the time came for Peter to come out to his parents, Kevin wanted me to help him. Before we went over, my oldest, Bobby, pulled me to one side and said his parents weren't going to like it and asked if I could take him in. We did."

8."I don't love my daughter any less because she's an absolute embarrassment and chronic screwup. I know she's doing poorly, and I hate it, but nothing gets through to her, nothing teaches her, and she brings ruin to everyone around her. I have the rest of my family and myself to consider, and in a hard but simple call, I chose us over her and probably should have done it long before I finally did. Though it'll never happen, I always hope I'll get the news that she straightened up and got it together. Even if she hates me and writes me off, if she was healthy and happy, I'd be happy, too."

—King F., Quora

9."Am I disappointed in my children? Very much, but I consider a lot of it my fault. I got pregnant right out of high school and then had three more children in four years. Neither their father nor I gave them a good start in life nor set a good example. None of the kids were planned; I just kept getting pregnant and didn't want to have an abortion."

"One is in jail for beating up his wife and has four children by three different women. One works as a waitress at a dive bar and bought a shitty house in a shitty neighborhood with her two kids, both of whom are out of school and not working.

One works as a chef at an upscale restaurant and lives with a woman and her child, but they also have another woman living with them as another 'wife.' I don't get it. And one is disabled and lives in a group home.

People like me should not have children."

—Anonymous, Quora

10."I deeply regret having children. My two kids are adults now. One I thought would never amount to much due to learning disabilities. He has gone on to inspire me with his determination and success overcoming obstacles. But he is married to a woman who will drag him down, an alcoholic. My daughter was brilliant as a child but was somehow convinced that the world owed her everything without her making any effort. Now, she is busy dragging her husband and kids down."

11."Disappointed? No. Concerned? Yes, in the case of my daughter. She is making some bad decisions — in some respects, following in the footsteps of her father. I hope she follows through with getting sober as her father did."

—Woodpecker, Quora

12."On New Year's Eve, I returned home around 1 a.m. to find a bunch of my son's friends at my house. They'd celebrated the evening here and were all staying over. My son wasn't home at that moment as he'd nipped out to meet another friend for a bit, so I sat with the other youngsters (18 and 19-year-olds), drinking and chatting. It turned into one of the most touching experiences. They all started talking about my son out of nowhere, saying what a caring, loyal friend and great person he is. One of the girls said, 'You should know that he treats women with such respect.' That made me so happy. She continued, 'He's a good listener, he cares, and if he ever feels like he's overstepped the mark with a joke, he apologizes. He'll notice your mood if you're down and ask if you're okay. Then, he'll talk and comfort.'"

"My son's girlfriend chimed in, saying he's never said a bad word about me and admires, loves, and respects me so much. His best friend said he'd do anything for my son, that he's a great guy, and with a mother like me, that's not surprising.

Best New Year's Eve ever."

—Feef, Quora

13."I will always love my now-adult children. Unlike other parents I know, my husband and I never pressured our children into seeking high-powered careers, so we were not disappointed when they didn't go in that direction. I just loved them for who they were. But what I never dreamed in a million years would happen goes beyond disappointment to heartbreak. The heartbreak? I'm a parent who has been estranged by two of my three adult children."

14."My son came here this morning after a night shift to bring me some essentials. He had dark circles under his eyes. I thought it was because of seven night shifts in a row, but he told me he couldn't sleep for the last two days even though he was very tired. He told me why: A 35-year-old patient was unresponsive 10 minutes after a regular checkup. My son jumped to heart massage straight away and called for help. After a long battle, the patient was pronounced brain dead. My son said: 'Mom, he was less than 10 years older than me and has a young kid at home.' The way my son reacted to the death of a stranger told me everything — my child turned out to be a good human."

—Jasna V., Quora

15."I'm going to be real and say 'yes,' my kids sometimes disappoint me, just as I'm going to be real and say I know I sometimes disappoint them. But though we may disappoint each other, we still love each other. Disappointment is a human response, and it's natural to feel that way sometimes."